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a glimpse of what could have been

I had a lenghty conversation with a ex boyfriend by chance yesterday. I had the opportunity to glimpse into the life I could have had, had I chosen to continue on in that relationship.

You see I was going to marry this boy. The lives we have though parrallel in some respects (the age of our perspective children being the same, 4 and nearly 7) are vastly different in others. He has a very aggressive form of insulin dependent diabetes. So far at the age of 30 he has had numerous cases of pneumonia landing him in the hospital repeatedly. He has had to be put on an insulin pump. He has had catarac surgery and still has to wear bifocals. The coughing with he pneumonia caused his vocal cords to rip and scar so he can no longer sing, which was his favorite thing inthe world. Quite recently he was in the hospital in a diabetic coma that lasted three days. So with the hospital bills piling up his wife has had to return to work.

I empathize with what his wife must feel. I could only imagine what it would be like to have your husband batteling a disease that will forever effect your lives. To wonder if he will continually loose his eyesight, if his kidneys will hold up, when and if he will have to loose toes or his legs. Not to mention that the next health disaster could result in the loss of your partner or the loss of your house.

As strong as I believe myself to be, I am not sure I could handle that kind of stress. I will keep him and his family in my prayers and hope that his condition will improve. And in my heart I have forgiven him for hurting me.

A New Day

Let me start with I m not a hugely religious person. I am a Christian I have been baptised and I feel there is an importance in attending church to further the understanding of your personal beliefs. However for the last year I have been spiritually stagnant. I no longer felt the compulsion to pray, to study the bible, to attend chruch, or to even be in the presence of other believers. My thirst for God disappeared. You hear of people who are on fire for Jesus. I wasn't even luke warm for Jesus I was stone cold.

Sunday I returned to a church the was the light at the end of the tunnel for me during a very hard spot in my adolescent years. A place where I had friends and people remembered me. I was greeted with hugs and we are glad to see you agains. In the midst of the service while singing the song Sanctuary I began to feel that familiar stir in my heart. The whisper of welcome and the joy of return. My spirit was renewed. I prayed for the first real time in a year. And I swear I could hear the words welcome home in my head.

I had spent the last year in search of a church that was all I wanted it to be. A church that has programs for married couples for families and activities for the children. I visited many churches in my area and none felt right. I wasn't feeding my spirit I wasn't growing in my faith I was simply standing still. And then I went home.

A Mother's dream

Okay so the first vivid dream my mother ever had about me was when I was eight years old. She dreamt that I would marry a man who was tall with brown hair and whose name began with a D.

Well I am married to a man who is 6ft tall, with brown hair and whose name is Dennis. Coincidence? Maybe.

My mother recently called to tell me that in April of next year on the 8th to be exact and that it will be a girl. So in July of this year I am going to get pregnant. This is not something dennis and I are even going to try to do. our number is 2. we have a boy and a girl and are not planning on adding to that. but as my husband is reluctant to get a vesectomy anything can happen. We have had two children while using two forms of birth control. I guess anthing is possible. Oddly though before my mother told me about her dream the name Marin Ashley kept popping in my head. So if there is a baby and it is a girl her name will be Marin.

I guess in august we will know if yet another one of my Mom's dreams come true!

Past Hurting the Present

A little background.... On the day of my father's funeral we went to my Uncle's house after the service. we all began to talk about my Dad (most of which was not so nice). My Uncle decides that that moment would be a good time to tell us how my Dad was constantly cheating on my mother when they were married. My parents divorced when I was 13 and my dad died when I was 22.

So 6 years has passed since that day and no one has spoke a word of it to my Mom. Until last week my sister decides to talk to Mom about it. My brother is back to his womanizing ways and has been the topic od many discussions which I guess led to my sister to bringing this fact to my Mom's attention. So my sister tells my Mom that we were told my dad cheated on her throughout their entire marriage. I do not know how the conversation progressed because my sister never told me she had brought it up to my Mom at all.

Last night my Mom calls and wants to talk to me about life in general as we usually do on Sundays. She asks how my brother is and I say he has dug himself a hole having been caught by his girlfriend at another woman's house. So my Mom tells me that sara told her what my Uncle had said to us about my dad. She was hurt and upset. She said she stayed because my dad had her convinced that she couldn't make it on her own. He had her terrified to drive the expressway and she had only a high school diploma. she told me she was terrified of what life would have been like on her own. They were married when she was 17 while she was a senior in High school. He went to Vietnam and she moved back in with her parents. She had never lived alone, ever. She never wanted us to know. Never wanted us to think she was a failure.

I told her it didn't matter. She got a degree, she found a good job and she left when she could. She raised me alone and and did a good job. She is the strongest woman I know. I don't judge her or look down on her, I simply love and admire her more.

My daughter's pet compassion

This morning as I was getting my daughter ready for school I was also preparing the cats to go to the vet. They are getting spayed today. My daughter asked what I was doing and I said the cats had to go to the vet. She asked if they were sick and I said no. Well if they aren't sick why do they need to go to the vet she asks. And I say they need to get spayed so they can't have babies and that when they come home they will have a cut on their bellies and we will have to be very gentle with them. Will it hurt? she wants to know. I tell her yes but they will be asleep when the surgery happens and will have some medicine to help with the pain. She gets really quiet. Then it is time to walk her to school. She keeps her head down and I notice that she is sobbing quietly to herself, trying to get her emotions under control. "I don't want my kittens to get hurt. I don't think this is a good idea Mommy", she says through the tears streaming down her face. "I know" I say "but they will be fine and it is something we really need to do." I hold her for a few minutes and just let her cry there on the sidewalk. I promise her everything will be okay and we begin our trek to the school again. I tell her teacher she is having a hard time and why. As I leave our eyes meet and her bottom lip trembles. It is I who walks home silently sobbing down the sidewalk for my daughter who cannot see past the love and concern for her pet to the greater good of pet population control.

Marriage Breakers

Right off the bat my marriage is still rock solid.

It is just that a few people I know are on the rocks. My very best friend in the whole world told me that today she found out that her husband has said that if he knew he wouldn't have to pay her a ton of money he would leave her. He said this a year or so ago and no longer feels that way but it still cut her deep. Then there is another couple who live together, have three kids fight all the time and the wife is already dating. They haven't even filed for divorce yet. It is a holy mess. And then another girlfriend is divorcing her husband whom has treated her like crap for the past two years. I just wonder what brings someone to the point where they wake up and decide that they no longer love their partner. Like another couple I know who have been married for 26 years and just filed for divorce out of the blue. What makes it so horrible that the fight is gone, the compromise disappears and a bond disinigrates.

When you think of the things that break up a marriage the first things to mind are, infedilty, deception, financial stress. Those I understand. But how do you deal with the person you love more than anything looking you in the eyes and saying " I haven't been happy for the past two years I don't love you any more". It should kill you instantly. I feel for those who are falling apart.

But I am happy to say that as of today my husband still loves and adores me and I still love and adore him. I hope to never hear those heart renching words come out of his mouth.

normality restored

My husband's hunt for a job is over! He has found a good job with a well established company and will only have a five minute commute! He is also making a bit more money which will come in handy for Christmas! So my life as of Monday will be back to normal!
My world has been rocked. My husband was laid off from his job in August. So I have spent all my time trying to cheer him up and keep him motivated to find a job. Unfortunately the job market here isn't so great. But luckily he has been on seven interviews and has one promising prospect so a new job may very well be on the horizon.

I never really thought about how absolutely uncertain things can become. we had just sat down and figured out our five year plan. We planned projects for the house and were exactly where we wanted to be financially. Then on a Teusday at 11:30 my husband is told he no longer has a job. Fidelity Mortgages stock had plummeted as more and more people go into foreclosure and fewer people are buying homes. They cut 300 people nationwide and my husband was one of them. He is the sole provider for us. It has been tough but luckily there are programs you can sign up for that help with bills and things, so we are doing okay.

So if you believe in God pray for our family and that my husband finds a job soon.

meme stollen from entropicflux

1. Do you still have pictures of you and an ex?
No threw every last one out.

2. Are you an asshole?
that all depends on who you are and how I feel about you.

3. Do you cuss often?

4. Are you listening to music?
no i am enjoying the sound of my children laughing

5. When was the last time you cried?
a long time ago.

6. Do you use lyrics to express how you feel?
no I love music but I like to use my own voice

7. Are you ashamed of your past?
Nope, it made me who I am today

8. Has anyone close to you died?

11. Who was the last person you yelled at?
probably my sister, unless you count pets then it would be my dog.

12. Do you have a lap top?
no, just your normal pc

13. Are you going on vacation in the summer?
two actually

14. Do you ride roller coasters?
yes, even though they scare the bejazus outa me.

16. Do looks matter?
yes, because if something about a person didn't attract you, you would never take the time to get to know them. But if you are asking if they are the be all end all then no.

18. Do you have good memories with old friends?
yes and I miss some of them.

20. What are you doing tonight?
ordering a pizza and vegging out with the kids watching a movie.

21. Do you trust people?
actually I do.

22. If you were someone else, would you be friends with you?
yes and I would take my advice.

23. What is something you say when you're mad?
I don't say anything I kind of growl. It gets the point across and keeps me from saying things I regret.

24. What family member do you look like?
I look like my mom and my cousin.

25. What friend will be coming over to your house next?
Probably Angela, she hasn't seen the kittens yet.

26. Have you ever cried from being so mad?
yes, it is scary to be that angry.

27. Do you like messages or comments better?

28. Do you still talk to the person you LAST kissed?
yep and I hope to keep kissing him for many years to come.

29. Have you ever seen your best friends cry?

32. Are most of your friends guys or girls?

33. What's the last piercing you got?

34. When was the last time you drove more than 30 minutes?
forever ago, my husband always drives, I make him nervous.

35. Do you get distracted easily? No

36. Have you ever had a stalker?
no but there was one guy who would track me down every once in a while. He stopped when I got married.

37. How good is your eyesight?
I have a stigmatism in my right eye so I have to wear glasses to drive and see things clearly at night.

40. What's the last dream you can remember?
The last dream I remember was a nightmare that I don't want to talk about.

42. What time did you wake up this morning?

43. What did you do this weekend?
I plan to go to the grocery, run errands, buy school supplies, and take the kids to the zoo.

44. Favorite color to wear?

45. Got plans for this weekend?
see 43

46. How many pillows on your bed?
6, but I only use one, two are decorative only and the other three are my husbands.

47. What were you doing at 4am this morning?

48. What do you usually do first in the morning?
Get up, brush my teeth and get the coffee brewing.

50. What are you going to do after this?
pop in a movie.

Pivotal people

First off what do I consider pivotal people. These are people who show up in your life and help you cope. They can be friends, aquaintances, lovers, or even family members. These people helped you follow a path or helped you transition from one phase of your life to another. These people leave a mark on your "heart" and are burned in your memory.

My life's course thus far has been a bit spherical, at least relationship wise. The most important people, my pivotal people, show up off and on throughout the years. They have become a bit like an omen of sorts. In my life there are three pivotal people thus far.

The first is Chris. My parents were divorcing and we moved from our mid-class suburban home that my parents had built to a section 8 low income apartment complex. Everyday my phone rang to my father's ranting and threats of suicide. Which then rendered my sister to tears and myself to a quiet rage. I was thirteen then. My world had fallen apart, my hormones were raging and I felt utterly alone. My beacon in the dark was Chris. He had been in my hell and had survived. We became friends and it was then that I believe I fell in love. A love I couldn't comprehend. I had the ability to love even though I was filled with a black rage. I knew I would survive.

Then came Matt. I had allowed a relationship to leave me spineless, weak and broken. I became someones doormat. I healed with Matt. I became stronger, more confident and sure of exactly what I wanted. I learned to give and take, submit and command. I learned trust. I also learned how and when to let go.

Last came my husband Dennis. This will shock him. While in a relationship previously mentioned, I met this incredible man. He was in body all that I had dreamed of in my head. He was who I wanted to be and what I wanted to have. With Dennis I learned to wait quietly. I learned to be me regardless of what others think. I became comfortable in my skin. I felt a love that is beyond comprehension. I found someone worthy of my submissions and accepting of my command. Who I can trust without thought or hesitation. Who will let me stand up alone and will hold me if I can't. I learned true adult love.

All of them entered my life at a time when I needed them. All left when I didn't and came back again. All are imprinted on my heart and in my mind. I hold them dear, these three men of mine.